


Exceptional Devotion

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: AU, Age Play, BDSM, Bloodplay, Dominance, Kink, M/M, Master/Pet, Master/Servant, Master/Slave, Modern AU, Pet Play, SebaCiel - Freeform, Submission, sebashie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-04-12 01:03:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4459340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Safe. Sane. Consensual. This is the mantra of the BDSM community. Sebastian Michaelis never paid much attention to these rules.<br/>That is, until he fell in love.<br/>Sebastian/Ciel. Modern AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for checking out my biggest fic to date! I hope you enjoy. Leave a comment, kudos, or bookmark it if you really enjoy, please! If you want to be notified when new chapters are posted, you should subscribe as well!
> 
>  
> 
> Update: I track the tags #excep dev and #exceptional devotion on tumblr if you have anything to say about it, any fanart you want to contribute, etc.
> 
> Speaking of which, I will CRY if you make fanworks for this fic. Seriously. I appreciate it so much. <3
> 
> That's all I'm going to say, so again, please enjoy!

Everyone breaks down eventually.

Sebastian's been to this club, Butler's, so many times, and it's always the same pattern.

Get greeted almost reverentially (he is a regular, after all). Make his way to the back rooms, where subs are waiting to be reserved for a night and where doms are waiting for someone willing to walk in (ready, willing, and attractive, of course). Take his pick of the people waiting (gender is of no consequence). Fuck. Fuck again. Fuck again, if his bottom can handle it, and then fuck again and again and again until his bottom gives out.

Needless to say, it isn't  _all_ fucking. There's a lot of sensation play, pain play, foreplay, all kinds of play, really. Sebastian likes to be rough with people, he likes submission, and he likes when his partner has stamina.

That way, he doesn't have to go back home.

But they always give out eventually, and Sebastian always waits helplessly in the club until the wee hours of the morning, at which point he slinks back home to sleep through the day, wake up, pound out a few chapters of his latest project, and go back to the club.

It's a terrible existence, really.

But it keeps him going, and that's all that matters.

Something's different tonight when he walks in; instead of lounging in the front like always, most of the doms are nowhere to be seen. He gives a quick nod to the people managing the front desk and heads straight for the back rooms. No one's there, either, except for a few pitiful-looking subs just waiting to be used.

He hears voices coming from down the hall, and strides in to check.  _Everyone_ is there. Every dom, and all the subs they're using for that night, are crowded in one playroom. He pushes his way through the crowd to see what's going on, and for a second, all he sees is blue.

Pure, azure, cerulean, sapphire blue.

He realizes he's locked eyes with a little slip of a twenty-something wearing handcuffs and blushing coyly, batting his eyes up at everyone in sight.

 _Now this could be interesting_.

He flashes his most charming smile, the one that makes women swoon and guys blush, and kneels down next to the boy, making sure everyone backs off.

"Hi," he says smoothly. "Aren't you a pretty little thing? You must be new here."

The boy with the blue eyes nods and scoots close to him, practically leaning against him.

"Yes," he says, and his voice is sweet and soft, "I'm Ciel. I just moved here and, well, knew I had to find the local club." The boy, Ciel, giggles, and it sounds like music.

"Out! Everyone!" Sebastian shouts, and a few members grumble, but all decide to give Sebastian his privacy. He's left alone in the room with Ciel, so, naturally, he flips the boy over in one smooth motion and grabs his ass.

Ciel yelps and fakes a little cry of pain, but Sebastian knows it's all for show, and he can feel how hard Ciel is through those cute lace panties he's wearing. He likes all this attention, he loves beautiful men fawning and drooling over him and begging for a night with him.

Sebastian doesn't fawn. He doesn't drool, and he certainly doesn't beg.

"I'm your new Master," he murmurs, "at least for tonight."

Ciel claps happily and beams. He's so sweet Sebastian can practically feel his perfect white teeth developing cavities. "Thank you, Master! Everyone was talking about you and I  _so_ wanted to meet you, but I didn't think you'd pick me!"

Sebastian raises one eyebrow and takes a good long look at Ciel. He's wearing a black leather-and-lace corset top, blue lacy panties, and silk stockings with a garter belt, and he looks positively delectable.

"How could I not pick you?" he says, still in that same erotic, husky voice. "Why, as soon as I laid eyes on you, I knew I wanted you spread-eagled and begging for me."

Ciel blushes even redder, if that's possible, and Sebastian decides he likes it. He loves pale skin, and Ciel's is perfect, highlighted by charming pink spots here and there where it isn't creamy alabaster. His hair is a dark slate color, rather nice, and he's slender and slim without being waifish, just Sebastian's type.

Sebastian's half-hard already and he's barely touched this boy.

He dips his fingers into the back of Ciel's panties and lightly strokes his skin, marveling at the softness, almost like crushed velvet. Ciel shivers, and Sebastian can tell he's enjoying the gentle touches. "Having fun?"

He doesn't give Ciel a chance to respond, just gives his perfect plump ass a rather hard smack, trying to see how much he can handle. Ciel's body moves, but he doesn't cry out or make any sound aside from a quick inhalation, and Sebastian is impressed.

"Who trained you?" he inquires.

Ciel blinks up at him, a bit uncertain.

"All sorts of people, Master. I've been owned by many different people. It's what I do."

Sebastian realizes what this boy is and it all makes sense now. Why everyone was so desperate to take a look at him, why even the subs were shooting him jealous, covert looks. Ciel's not just in this for fun or pleasure; it's his life. He makes a living selling himself for purchase by whoever wants him, with a contract, of course, and then moves on to find someone else.

Normally, he likes moderates, subs that haven't been broken in, but lightly trained or played with by different people.. He'll even take a chance on complete beginners or seasoned veterans, but Ciel is something very different.

Ciel just might be a match for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I opened my page this morning and I was SHOCKED to see all the support I'd gotten. Thank you so much! I'm so excited about writing this, so tell everyone!

Sebastian lets his fingers trace idly over Ciel's spine, eliciting shivers from the boy. He gives that firm little behind before him another smack, and loves how Ciel's body trembles when he's hit.

"You've been a good boy so far," he croons, "but I'm still going to hurt you because I enjoy hurting people. Does that scare you?"

Ciel shakes his head almost proudly. "I've been hurt lots, Master, so I'm not afraid." Sebastian pauses to tweak his nipple through the fabric of his shirt, and he moans.

"No noise," Sebastian warns. Ciel nods and bites his lip, sticking his ass out even more. Sebastian deals him ten slaps in quick succession through the fabric of his panties, and true to his word, Ciel makes not a sound. It's nowhere close to what he would do normally, but he wants to break this one in slowly. He looks around with distaste at the playroom around him. Everything here is so  _tame._

"You know," Sebastian says thoughtfully, "I have much better equipment at home. Shall we go there instead?"

"Whatever my Master wishes." Ciel turns around and looks at him, smiling nicely. Sebastian flicks a thumb over those pouty pink lips and stands up, carrying Ciel in his arms.

"Let's go, then."

Ciel's eyes widen slightly when they reach Sebastian's house, and he tries to see it through the boy's eyes. Tall, grand, a downsized Victorian manor. Sebastian smiles modestly and carries Ciel inside. The boy is like nothing in his well-muscled arms, so he totes him all the way to the basement. Ciel's jaw drops when he sees Sebastian's most favorite room: what he's affectionately named the "Michaelis Dungeon". Ciel jumps out of his master's arms and runs to the toy chest, and he's so excited Sebastian doesn't even care that he's being unruly.

Ciel rifles through the ornately carved wooden chest and pulls out vibrators, plugs, handcuffs, blindfolds, crops, whips, floggers, all immaculate and just waiting to be used. He turns his head to look at Sebastian and points to his mouth, asking permission to speak. Sebastian nods and Ciel beams.

"This is all very lovely, Master. Might I tell you what I like?"

Sebastian shrugs, sitting down in a chair meant to be used for taking people over his knee. "If you like."

Ciel comes to sit at his feet. "I'm happy just being your servant or slave, but what I like best of all is being your pet. I love regression, age regression, so I often act younger than I am. And I love being a little kitten. Or bunny, or dog..."

Sebastian holds up a hand, stopping him. "I do love cats. Now, what kind of arrangement are you looking for, kitten?"

Ciel grins brightly and rubs up against his leg. "Oh, I'm happy with anything. A night, a week, a month. I promise I'll be monogamous for as long as you want to have me. Nobody except my Master will touch me. I have a trust fund, so I don't work aside from volunteering. Master, will you tell me about yourself, now?"

Sebastian considers this. All he ever does is one-night stands. He kicks his subs out of the house before breakfast, or they leave on their own. "We'll start with tonight and see how I like you. My name is Sebastian, not that you'll be calling me that. I am a writer specializing in all types of fiction from children's books to erotica. I don't care what your kinks are, because I like everything, and I'm glad you have a high pain tolerance. I like dishing it out."

Ciel claps his hands. "That's excellent, master, because I love pain."

Sebastian picks Ciel up and settles him in his lap. "We're going to start with something easy, my kitten. Go use one of the plugs on yourself. The vibrating one. And then come back to me and we'll play a little game."

Ciel scampers over to the toy chest and grabs the lube, carefully preparing himself with his fingers before he inserts the plug. His little hole is stretching wide and Sebastian's mouth waters.  _He must be so tight..._

Once the plug is in completely, Ciel crawls back and Sebastian carries him over to the x-frame, strapping him up. "Kitten, I am going to give you fifty strokes with the flogger. You count them out loud. If you come before I finish, I win. If you manage not to come, you win. And just to make things fun..." He sets the vibration level of the plug to a maximum, and Ciel has to bite his lip to keep from groaning. Sebastian grabs the flogger and gives it an experimental flick over Ciel's chest, and is highly pleased when blood rushes to the surface of his creamy-pale skin, leaving red marks that fade away soon.

"Let's begin."

"One!" Ciel shouts as the tails of the flogger cut into his smooth skin.

His breathing is ragged by twenty.

By twenty-five, Sebastian's cock is ready to burst out of his hand-tailored pants.

His chest is completely marked by thirty, and Sebastian has to switch to his back.

By thirty-five, he's moving his hips in a desperate attempt to stave off his orgasm and get more pleasure at the same time.

And at thirty-eight, he can't help it, and come splatters all over his own chest.

"Poor kitten," Sebastian coos, running his fingers over the wounds on Ciel's back. "Was I too rough with you?"

Ciel shakes his head, still dazed from his orgasm, and Sebastian kisses his cheek, as gentle as the touch of a butterfly's wing.

"Good," he says softly. "There's a lot more where that came from."

 

After he gets an ice pack for Ciel (the most he ever does in terms of aftercare), he's surprised to see the boy looking a bit lost. Forlorn, almost.

He doesn't ask what's wrong.

Ciel doesn't say anything, which is some small relief, just huddles up in a corner and closes his eyes, yawning. Sebastian sighs; he almost never lets a sub sleep. Actually, scratch that. He's  _never_ let a sub sleep during their time together, and especially not with him.

So he doesn't know what compels him to go over and pet Ciel's hair.

"Kitten," he says awkwardly, slowly. "Are you tired? Do you want me to drive you home?"

Ciel turns those big blue eyes on him and blinks innocently. "You said we'd start with tonight and you'd see how you liked me. Do you like me?"

Sebastian considers this. Ciel's one of the best he's had in a while. Not too stoic, not too impudent, but sweet and almost pure, at least compared to everyone else he's had. But he can see there's a wicked streak in him, too, one that's concealed well but that he can glimpse in the gleam of his blue eyes.

"Yes," he says. "I like you." _And, what the hell, he's already gone this far, nobody has to know, Ciel might prove to be interesting..._

He takes a deep breath and holds out a hand. "Come to bed with me."

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. You guys are the sweetest, most supportive readers. Thank you SO much for all your unending devotion (haha). To thank you, here's an update!
> 
> Remember to share this with everyone you think may enjoy it!

After Ciel takes the plug out and cleans himself up, he curls up at the foot of Sebastian's bed, shivering. It's obvious he's normally required to sleep like this, and Sebastian doesn't even hesitate to pick him up, place him in the center of the huge bed, and wrap him in a quilt.

Ciel smiles so sweetly it seems to make the room a little dimmer in comparison and closes his eyes. Sebastian gets on his normal side, the left side, and tries to ignore the fact that there's a soft, warm body next to his that is just begging to be cuddled. Ciel already has his eyes tightly shut, his breathing is deep and even, and he looks peaceful, if a bit pained.

Sebastian smushes a pillow over his head and groans. The reason he has such a good life is that he never subscribes to the partner experience. No dates, no movie nights, no cute sweater swaps or together breakfasts. Just fucking, and submission, and pain, and fucking, and more fucking...

He flips over and pulls Ciel to his chest before he can think twice.

Ciel snuggles up to him, hands kneading at his broad chest like a little kitten, and Sebastian curses under his breath because it feels like his heart is beating faster and he doesn't know what to do. His fingers absentmindedly play over the wounds on Ciel's back, and the boy flinches. The gashes are still tender, if not very deep, and the ice didn't really help at all.

Ciel, for his part, is overjoyed to be cuddled so close to a handsome man like Sebastian, and grins brightly when Sebastian places a hand on the back of his neck, urging him to go to sleep.

"We'll talk tomorrow," he says, and Ciel believes him. This man is different, he can tell. He twists to give Sebastian's cheek a gentle kiss and falls asleep happy. Sebastian waits until he's sure Ciel's asleep before he wipes it off. This is a sub, not his boyfriend. Just something to be fucked and be done with. He had a girlfriend, once, in high school. He dumped her within a week. She wasn't anything to him.

His last thought on his mind before he falls asleep is of how very warm Ciel is.

In the morning, he disentangles himself from the small sleeping body next to his own and goes to make breakfast. He's stopped by a little tug on his boxers, and Ciel is smiling hopefully at him.

"What," Sebastian says flatly, awkwardly. Ciel responds by rolling onto his back and spreading his legs.

 _Oh_.

"You want me to fuck you?" Sebastian inquires, a bit eagerly. He didn't get to come last night, but most subs aren't up for going another round after such a punishing scene. Ciel nods and spreads his legs a little bit wider, so Sebastian pushes down any concerns he might have for Ciel and dives right in. He grabs the lube from a bedside table- he may be quite a vicious Dom, but he never goes in dry- and slicks up three fingers before pushing them into Ciel quickly.

And, god, is that boy tight. Gripping his fingers like a vice, so slick and warm, seeming to draw him right in, as if Ciel wants him deeper. Sebastian draws his fingers out and slicks his own cock excitedly before plunging into Ciel.

 _Oh_.

Ciel is better than anything he's ever felt.

He's so goddamn _warm_ and _snug_ and _tight_ and _perfect_ and Sebastian lets himself take one deep breath before he rocks his hips forward, plunging deep. Ciel is squirming beneath him and mewling like a kitten, and as much as he loves those noises, Sebastian wants to leave his little partner breathless.

So he pulls himself out slowly, so that only the very tip of his cock is inside Ciel, and snaps his hips forward, eliciting a yelp from Ciel as his prostate is struck hard. He repeats this delightful motion over and over and over, and Ciel can't stop shivering from the pleasure. He comes very suddenly and with a loud yell, and Sebastian, in the heat of the moment, swallows that joyful sound with a deep kiss.

Ciel's tongue, his ass, the way his body is still trembling with his orgasm, all of this is enough to make Sebastian spend deep inside him. He slowly, reluctantly pulls out, loving the way Ciel's little hole is dripping with the proof of their passion. The boy beams up at him, his cheeks flushed and eyes half-closed, and Sebastian throws caution to the wind and kisses him again. Who cares if this isn't normal for them both? Ciel is _his_ , and that's all he really cares about.

Ciel stretches and sighs and patters out of bed to go shower, so Sebastian gets to work making breakfast. Eggs, wheat toast with jam, fried potatoes. He serves up Ciel's food and gives him a cup of milk, humming to himself slightly. When Ciel comes in wearing one of his white undershirts, his heart skips a beat, but he covers it up with a slight frown.

"That's much too big for you," he mumbles crossly. The shirt's indeed about ten sizes too big for Ciel, and the hem hits past his knees, but the effect is no less than adorable. Ciel sits down and smiles prettily.

"Sorry, Master. I didn't have any other clothes besides the ones I wore here. Thank you for breakfast."

They both dig in, and when Ciel's done, he comes to sit in Sebastian's lap, kissing his cheeks until Sebastian stops him.

"Listen," he says softly. "You're very sweet, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend at the moment. This is actually the first time in years I've woken up next to someone in my bed."

Ciel's face crumples, and he looks down. "I _am_ looking for a boyfriend. One who won't just go on dates with me or buy me stuff, but one to be my lover, my master, my best friend, my confidante. I thought that would be you...You seem so amazing. You're so powerful and strong and huge, and I'm so tiny and weak. I thought you liked me. I'll be a good boyfriend."

Sebastian sighs, gently nudging Ciel off his lap. "It's not that, kitten. I'm sure you'd make a great boyfriend. I just..."

His protests are cut off, as Ciel is on a roll.

"You can buy me big sweaters and cute underwear and we can go to the planetarium! Then we can come home and do all the scenes you like. And if I had a bad day I'll lose myself in you, and if you had a tough day writing you can take it out on me. I'll be the best!"

Ciel peers up at him hopefully, and Sebastian's resolve is cracked. Ciel is so incredibly _sweet_. And Sebastian is very, very lonely. It was a long time coming, but he's finally starting to admit it to himself, being around Ciel.

He places a gentle kiss on Ciel's mouth.

"Yes. I'll be your boyfriend."


	4. Chapter 4

This isn't what a date is supposed to be like.

Sebastian knows that for a fact.

He and Ciel are in a sex shop called Nothing Butt's, and Ciel keeps bringing over bigger and bigger toys to show Sebastian, and Sebastian keeps buying them because all right, maybe he is a little bit of a sugar daddy at heart, but mostly he can't wait to see them inside Ciel. They buy a bunch of stuff, including outfits for Ciel adorned with all manner of lace and ribbons and kitty ears, and at least six dildos and plugs and vibrators, and a new crop, one designed to truly punish. It's sleek black leather studded with iron, and Sebastian can't wait to try it out. 

Since it is _technically_ a date they're on, and Sebastian is now _technically_ Ciel's boyfriend, they go to lunch at a nearby café, making sure to hide their purchases in the car. Ciel orders ice cream, and Sebastian just stares at him.

"What?"

Sebastian places his own order for a panini and raises one eyebrow. "You shouldn't have dessert for lunch. It's unhealthy."

Ciel scoffs and takes an enormous bite when his dessert comes, making sure to lick the spoon seductively. "Sebastian, you're so controlling. I can't say I don't like that about you, but not about every little thing." 

Sebastian has realized over the past three hours or so that Ciel isn't always a sweet little kitten just begging to serve. No, more often than not, especially in public, he's a confident, snarky young man with genuine sincerity and cuteness right under the surface. He's been putting up a front all morning when they were out and about, but during the car ride, he actually took Sebastian's hand and snuggled right up to him. Sebastian wants to see more of that side.

So he scoots his chair closer to Ciel's and starts to unbutton his pants under the tablecloth.

Ciel nearly chokes on his ice cream, but he's a good enough sub to know not to question his master. Therefore, he barely fidgets when Sebastian's long fingers take hold of his cock and start stroking gently, up and down. He lets out a breathy, quiet half-moan as Sebastian's thumb rubs over the head, tapping the weeping slit, the ridges in the pads of his fingers providing extra stimulation.

"Keep eating," Sebastian whispers, and squeezes Ciel's cock for extra emphasis. This really does make him moan, which he disguises by coughing very loudly. Sebastian chuckles, his words audible only to Ciel.

"You like this, don't you? You little slut. Out in public and begging for it like it's your last day on earth. You're as tight as a virgin, you know that? You certainly don't act like one, though. Look at you. You're practically crawling all over me. You like being fucked by your daddy under the tablecloth, where anyone could see. Admit it. Admit you like it."

"I like it," Ciel whispers. "I love it. I love all of it."

Sebastian chuckles, and with a few more quick pulls, Ciel is spurting all over his hand. He wipes the fluid off casually with his napkin, leaves some money on the table, and stands up, taking Ciel's arm. The boy is a whimpering mess of half-melted ice cream and sweet seduction, and he follows without complaint on slightly jellified legs.

At home, Sebastian changes Ciel into new clothes, footed pajamas printed with cats at play, and settles him on the couch. He doesn't really know how to treat subs in a nonsexual manner, but Ciel seems so sweet when he's in subspace, and he wants to see that more. So he pops in a Disney DVD and gets to work on a batch of fresh cupcakes, and soon enough, Ciel comes over to help.

"What can I do?" he asks eagerly, and he looks so adorable standing there that Sebastian can't help but smile.

"You, my dear, can measure out ingredients for the frosting. One cup sugar, one cup milk, one stick of butter. Start with that."

Ciel begins to carefully measure the mentioned ingredients, his tongue poking though his teeth, his brow furrowed. Sebastian can't resist giving him a quick kiss on the forehead, and Ciel beams up at him guilelessly.

"You're good at this, you know. That's my favorite. A daddy who won't just fuck me, but will actually, well..."

Ciel blushes bright red and mumbles the next words into his frosting.

"Love me."

Sebastian is utterly astonished.

"Oh," he manages to choke out. "L-love?"

Ciel nods quickly and ducks his head, smiling a little. "You don't have to love me back. I just wanted to let you know that, well, I'm in love with you. You treat me so well."

He hold out his arms for Sebastian to hug him, and Sebastian moves automatically. Ciel loves him? This boy he barely knows? This lovely, intoxicating, sweet, heartfelt, caring boy who snuggles into him no matter where they are and always wants to hold his hand?

God, he's gotten soft.

He pulls away to kiss Ciel's temple and holds his hands. "Ciel."

"Yes?" the boy peeps hopefully.

Sebastian looks into his clear blue eyes. "I can't tell you that I know what love feels like. For anyone."

Ciel's lip trembles a bit, but he nods bravely. "Okay."

Sebastian holds up a hand. "But what I do know is that I need you. Right now, at least." He leads Ciel back to the couch and lets him sit in his lap. "I need you because I'm lonely. At least, I was before I met you. Every day and every night was the same. I would go to the club and fuck someone and kick them out at dawn. And I did that because I thought sex was some sort of panacea, something that could make me feel in control. I felt alive when I was dominating someone, but that feeling went away as soon as I stopped whipping them or fucking them or even commanding them. I knew it couldn't last forever if it went away so quickly." He studies Ciel's face to see how he's reacting.

Ciel is rapt, hanging on his every word, so Sebastian continues. "It was like that for years, I guess. Since I graduated. And then I met you. And you were so...desirable. Physically, at first. And you seemed like an amazing sub. Spending time with you has been incredible, every minute. But, Ciel, there's a problem..."

Ciel's eyes are huge, surrounding Sebastian in a million shades of blue. "Yes?"

Sebastian flashes a crooked, hopeless smile. "I don't think I could ever be without you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking with this, guys! Remember to promote/share/bookmark/comment/leave kudos. Everything helps!
> 
> And because you guys are such awesome readers, here's some terrible angst. Enjoy.

He can't do this.

Sebastian is scrutinizing his body in the large full-size mirror, tracing his fingers over every imperfection, and he knows deep in his heart that he  _cannot_ do this. Ciel is so perfect, so little and cute and everything Sebastian tries to stay away from. He needs darkness, he needs passion, he needs someone who won't just follow him blindly, he tells himself. It's nice, the way Ciel just wants to please him, the way he's so tender, attacking every inch of Sebastian's soul with love...

It's nice. It's incredible, but Ciel shouldn't have to deal with him.

He buries his head in his hands. He's Sebastian Michaelis, for God's sake. His name makes publishers and subs alike tremble with fear. He's so cool, so mysterious, enigmatic, brusque, sensual.

He's so overcome with self-loathing.

He hates what he's become. He tells himself every single day he'll change, but he can't seem to stop lying to everyone. Most of all himself. 

He hates what he's doing to Ciel. It brought him close to tears last night when he caught himself counting Ciel's seventeen and a half freckles. How can he tell such a wonderful, cute, sexy boyfriend that he can't commit?

He hates the monotony that seems to crush him when Ciel isn't there. 

He hates everything when Ciel isn't there.

Every night, he's telling himself,  _Ciel could be the one. I know he could. I won't be afraid at all this time. So what if I've never had a real relationship because I'm deathly afraid of commitment? Ciel doesn't have to know that. He's head over heels for me._

But, holy shit, Sebastian is even more infatuated with Ciel.

Everything seemed to happen so fast. It went from fucking to letting Ciel sleep with him to going on dates and now they seem to be joined at the hip. They're only apart during the work hours of the day, when Sebastian writes and Ciel goes to volunteer at the local kindergarten as an assistant. That's what Sebastian is supposed to be doing now. Writing. A love story.

He loathes love stories.

They always end the same way, with the girl getting the guy who's been there all along and the best friends getting together and a billion kids and a house in the countryside. Boring.

Ciel isn't a love story.

No, if he were a book, he'd be poetry.

Sebastian curses himself for thinking such mushy stuff and slumps down in front of the mirror.

"Okay," he says aloud.

"Okay."

"So, you're a piece of shit who's never been with anyone aside from sex and you can't be trusted at all not to break anyone's heart. What else is new? You're terrified of letting anyone get too close and see what you are- which is a piece of shit- and you're scared of committing to anyone, so you have to act like a real tough guy. God, you disgust me."

Sebastian swallows hard and wipes his eyes impatiently. "God. I don't love him, I swear. There I go, lying again. Why do I do this shit?"

He puts in his earbuds, so he doesn't have to hear himself think, but before long, he's talking out loud again. Ciel, having just come back to the house, hears voices and figures Sebastian's on a conference call, but freezes when he hears what Sebastian's saying.

What he doesn't know, is that Sebastian's trying to convince himself. So he won't have to lie.

"The point is, I couldn't care less about Ciel. He means nothing. Just some fuck toy, honestly. Not even that much! He's got a nice ass, that's for damn sure, but at the end of the day, he's nothing but a sex toy for me to use and throw away."

He takes a deep breath, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice.

"He's too clingy. All over me, all the goddamn time. I don't care about anything he has to say. Not about robins, not about the kids at school, not about fucking... daffodils. He needs to understand that he isn't a child, even if he does have a daddy kink."

He closes his eyes. He loves more than anything taking care of Ciel when he's little, but he's too far gone now. He needs to keep telling himself this. Maybe one day, he'll finally start to believe it.

"Yeah. He's just...Ciel is just... an immature little slut who needs to grow up."

He rips out his earbuds and is immediately greeted with the sound of sobbing in the other room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat? Only 2 people have signed up for the giveaway! Come on, I know you guys can do better than that! Check out the rules here: http://unholity.tumblr.com/post/127044474704/newsgiveaway

Ciel has been hurt before. Without a doubt. He was bullied in school. When his father drank, he was a beast. None of these things can even compare to what he feels right now.

God, he never really understood the term "broken heart" before now. But that's what this is. His entire body is being ripped apart into a billion little pieces. And his heart physically hurts, like he just got stabbed in the chest. It sucks. It's insanely terrible.

Sebastian heard him crying and immediately started to try and justify himself, try to comfort Ciel. Ciel couldn't even try to comprehend that. He just sat down on the floor with tears streaming out of his blank eyes and Sebastian tried to pick him up, like he would a doll. He even shook Ciel a little bit, which only made the tears flow faster.

He was such an idiot to love this man.

 

Ciel falls asleep curled up in a little ball on the floor and wakes up at two in the morning, flinching when he sees Sebastian dozing on the couch in front of him. He tries to slip out the door, but so much crying and exhaustion has made him clumsy, and he knocks over a empty pot on the counter. Sebastian jerks awake at the thunderous crash and runs into the kitchen, where Ciel is biting his lip, frozen with shock.

"No," the older man whispers, then clears his throat and tries again. "Oh, Ciel...Please."

Ciel doesn't want to start crying again, but it's really hard not to when he hears his name on Sebastian's lips. Those lips that have kissed him, brought him so much pleasure, that whisper sweetly and seductively into the soft pink shell of his ear...

"Explain," he whispers in a cracked and broken voice. "Daddy, please..."

Relief surges through Sebastian's body so quickly that he nearly collapses, and his heart seems to beat in double-time. "Oh, my love. I was talking to myself." He takes one long, slow breath, and gently reaches for Ciel's hand. "Remember how I told you that I used to use sex to try to make myself feel better?" Ciel squeezes his hand and nods, and that little gesture makes Sebastian feel as though his veins are on fire. "I did that because I was scared of falling in love with anyone."

It's such a shock saying this aloud, he realizes. He never really could describe what it was like to be him. To be so afraid and so dominating.

"I was scared that people would get too close and see who I really was, aside from sex. Because, well, I'm pretty powerful in the bedroom. But I was worried they wouldn't like me."

Sebastian isn't crying, though he's close, but he looks Ciel in the eyes, his own flickering and glittering and dancing like flames. "Ciel, you don't have to stay with me. But I am telling nothing but the truth when I say this. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't love you."

He smiles ruefully. "It didn't work, obviously. I'm mad for you, Ciel, my baby. I love taking care of you. I love holding your hand and kissing you and snuggling you and doing everything. I love you."

Ciel closes his eyes and thinks. If Sebastian really didn't care for him, why would he try so hard to get him back? He doesn't know what Sebastian thinks or feels about him. He can't read minds. But he can hear the passion in Sebastian's voice, and that's enough to sway him. He opens his big blue eyes and smiles.

"I love you, too."

 

Later, they're spooning on the couch, watching a Disney film, and Sebastian is feeding him bites of ice cream. It's so intimate, so tender, and it makes Ciel's heart twinge happily. He licks a drop of ice cream off his lip and purrs, snuggling up closer to Sebastian, his backside wiggling against Sebastian's groin.

_Shit._

"Ciel, baby," he says gently, carefully. "I'm going to move you just a tad, okay?"

"No," Ciel says happily, and presses himself even closer to Sebastian's dick.

"Ciel," Sebastian says urgently. "You're in a very...sensitive place, baby boy, and you probably aren't in the mood for anything like that right now, so..."

"No," Ciel whispers, and kisses the man's lips. "I am, Daddy. I want you, always."

Sebastian lets his hand slide up Ciel's thigh, underneath his shorts. "We had better go to the bedroom, then." Ciel nods in agreement and lets himself be carried up to their bedroom, where Sebastian carefully places him on the bed and grabs lube from the bedside table. 

Ciel shimmies out of his way-too-big sweatshirt (belonging to Sebastian) and spreads his legs, accustomed to being fucked like this.

Sebastian gently touches his cheek, a little sad now that he realizes he's never really made love to Ciel. "Baby. I'm going to go nice and slow, okay?"

Ciel's smile lights up his face and he kisses Sebastian's cheek. "Thank you. I love you."

Sebastian begins to play with his nipples gently, pinching and squeezing the little pink buds before finally bringing his mouth down, eliciting a sigh of pleasure from Ciel. He wraps one hand around the boy's cock and strokes lightly with little back-and-forth motions, increasing his speed. until Ciel is a squirming mess, pleading to come. Sebastian doesn't honor that request, not yet. He slicks two fingers with lubricant and carefully inserts one into Ciel, causing his moans to grow even louder. As he lubricates his own cock, he adds his other finger and scissors them inside Ciel, stretching his tight little opening enough to slowly, carefully, push in.

They last a very long time. Although Ciel spends almost right away, he quickly grows hard again and Sebastian increases his speed ever so slightly until he's practically pounding into Ciel, shaking the bedframe, and spills inside him with a growl.

Ciel curls up to him in the afterglow and Sebastian is vaguely aware of pulling Ciel into his embrace.

_This is where you belong_ , he remembers thinking before they both fall asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

They couldn't think of anything else to do after the sex shop-handjob date.

Sebastian pulled out his laptop and started briskly searching for date ideas, and Ciel provided such helpful commentary as "Cupcakes!" and "Vibrators!" Eventually, they decided on a simple evening in, with a movie and an X-frame and perhaps a few vibrators, indeed, if Ciel was very good.

So they're eating dinner, and Sebastian clears the plates before sitting Ciel down and looking into his eyes very solemnly.

"Ciel," he says in that beautiful baritone of his. "My little one. I have a present for you."

"Is it your cock?" Ciel says hopefully. "I love sucking Daddy's cock."

This makes Sebastian's mouth go slightly dry. This boy will be the end of him, he's sure. "No. No, little one, it's not my cock. Not yet, anyway." He produces a small box with a ribbon tied around it, and Ciel carefully unties it and lifts the lid, the contents making him gasp in delight. 

"Daddy!"

He flings himself at Sebastian, who only just manages to catch both him and the box. Ciel lifts out the collar laying inside reverently. It's a beautiful garment, bright cerulean blue to match Ciel's eyes, adorned with white lace and a tag engraved with his name in elegant cursive. Ciel holds it out immediately and Sebastian fastens it around his neck, smiling in satisfaction. "Perfect."

Ciel beams and starts to babble about how thankful he is, but Sebastian holds a finger to his lips. "Kittens only meow."

Ciel lets a small purr rumble from the back of his throat, and flips over onto his belly, little fingers reaching up to toy with the hem of Sebastian's shirt. Sebastian shifts Ciel onto his lap and begins to stroke his hair rhythmically, clipping a set of ears into his downy locks.

"Good kittens," he murmurs, "have tails. I purchased one of those for you as well."

He holds up a sleek, furry tail attached to a rather generous plug. "You want to be a good kitty, don't you?"

"Mew," Ciel says in agreement, raising his hips and wiggling his backside quite attractively. Sebastian smiles and produces a bottle of lube. "That's my good boy. Stretch yourself, now."

Ciel wiggles out of the skirt and panties he's wearing and coats his fingers in slippery liquid and rubs the tip of one over his puckered entrance, purring appreciatively. He pushes the fingers in slowly, carefully, and starts to stretch himself, making little scissoring motions, in an entrancing performance that has Sebastian watching slightly spellbound. He clears his throat and starts to push the plug in quickly, earning a little whimper from Ciel. It goes unnoticed, however, and Sebastian finishes inserting the toy inside of Ciel, whose jaw is clenched slightly in pain.

Finally, Ciel is relaxed enough to be comfortable, and Sebastian is as hard as he's ever been, so he pulls out his cock and lets Ciel lick and suck him eagerly, for blissful moments before he comes. He's surprised when Ciel looks up at him, with just a touch of fear in his big blue eyes, and mumbles something he can't quite make out.

"What?" he says, confused. Ciel bites his lip.

"I said, I was hurting when you were putting it inside me, and you didn't notice."

"Oh," Sebastian says, guilt flooding him suddenly. He's hurt lots of subs before, accidentally, and they never really complained. "I'm sorry. Let me know next time, though, I guess."

He isn't expecting Ciel's reaction. The boy crosses his arms and looks up at Sebastian with something almost like a glare. "I  _did_ let you know. I made a noise. It's your responsibility to be listening."

"My..." Sebastian breaks off, his chest feeling tight. He feels somewhat irrationally angry, but a larger part of him knows he did something wrong. Something that could have been disastrous if they were doing a more risky scene. He wasn't listening.

"Okay," he says quietly. "Ciel, thank you for letting me know that I needed to do better."

Ciel flinches. He expected sarcasm from this kind of man, not acceptance. But then again, Sebastian is constantly surprising him. Since the moment they met, really.

"There's a lot of stuff you need to work on," he says. "Like...a safeword. We don't have one."

Sebastian tips his head. "I hardly ever use them. But you're right, we should have one."

Ciel thinks for a moment. "Green, yellow, red," he blurts out after a minute. "That's the standard. And it works well."

Sebastian nods and plants a kiss on the crown of his head. "Very well. Anything else?"

"Aftercare," Ciel says immediately. "No offense, but you suck at aftercare." Indeed, it's true. After their very first scene, all Sebastian did was leave him in the corner without any hugs or kisses or blankets or even making sure he was okay. At first, at least.

"I do, do I?" Sebastian laughs. "Baby boy, I should put you over my knee for using such language."

Ciel bats his eyelashes. "Sorry, daddy, but it's true."

Sebastian sighs and leans back against the couch cushions. "I'll do some research. You should get some rest for now, baby."

Ciel kisses his cheek and goes to take a nap, and Sebastian immediately pulls out his laptop and starts clicking through articles, trying to find out the best way to care for his boy. He didn't  _know_. He didn't know he was supposed to do all this stuff. It's so weird, actually having to take care of someone. It's like having a pet. One that tells him he sucks at aftercare and demands cupcakes and has the tightest ass he's ever felt... One who infuriates him and enchants him in equal measures.

Bossy and kittenish and demanding and fiery and seductive and innocent all at once. Ciel is made of contradictions, he realizes, smiling to himself. Good thing that's something he enjoys. Even if all this about care is new to him. Everything he's learning is useful, sure, especially if it'll make Ciel happy, but it feels like a blow to his carefully crafted dominance.

Whatever. It's worth it.

Anything would be, for him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooooh my god!! im back. so fucking sorry for the huge wait. i love you guys, i love my readers so fucking much. you guys are the best. every comment, kudos, bookmark still makes me the happiest. 
> 
> <3 <3 <3

Ciel's been sleeping peacefully for a while, with his tail-plug still firmly in, so Sebastian goes to wake him, bringing a tray of strawberries and toast with him. He sets the food down and wraps his body around Ciel, feeling the silk of his skin, loving the way his eyes blink open slowly to relax in a smile once he sees Sebastian.

"Mew," he says quietly, nuzzling into Sebastian's neck, and Sebastian runs a hand through his downy hair.

"Kitten, you've been so good, but I really just want to strap you up and mark you." Sebastian licks the shell of his ear, making him shiver. "You have half an hour to eat and get ready, little one, before I put you on the x-frame and get my crop." 

Ciel scrambles away to brush his hair as soon as he finishes his sentence, and he smiles fondly as he watches the boy. He practically  _owns_ this sweet, tender little morsel, and that heady sense of power sends shivers through him.

Ciel comes back and eats his strawberries and his toast, then sits cross-legged on the bed, motioning for Sebastian. Sebastian checks his watch. They still have twenty minutes, so he sits on the bed and immediately feels little fingers run through his hair.

He chuckles and leans his head back. "I thought I was the one supposed to be petting you, my kitten."

Ciel tugs on his hair lightly and Sebastian closes his eyes. It's like a head massage, why not enjoy it? "So, listen, little one. I've been doing quite a bit of reading about this sort of situation."

He winces slightly. The topic is painful. "I see now that I haven't exactly been the best dominant, have I? I haven't really listened, and that's what it's all about, isn't it?"

Ciel stops from his petting of Sebastian's hair and peers down at him. "You're absolutely right, sir. The first night you took me home, I loved it, of course, but it was so  _much_. And you didn't take care of me afterwards or anything."

Sebastian's heart twinges just thinking about that first night together. "That's the thing. I'm going to be so much better from now on. I've been getting better, right? I mean, we decided on a safeword and everything, and you spoke up and I listened."

Ciel looks thoughtful, quiet for a minute before speaking up. "Then will you listen to me now?"

Sebastian immediately nods, surprised.

Ciel pats ebony hair gently as he speaks. "I'm not all in subspace all the time, Sebastian. And I don't think I am right now. I don't really want to be whipped right now. I want to try a normal date, as weird as it sounds. I don't just want this to be a full-time BDSM thing. I want to be your Ciel, at least a little of the time, not just your pet. What do you think?"

Sebastian digests this all for a moment. Looking back, he realizes that he's been an idiot. Who's all submissive all of the time? He's certainly not dominant one hundred percent of the time, though the thought of just being "normal" has never crossed his mind. "I think you're absolutely right, Ciel. I think it was really dumb of me to just assume that you wanted to be treated this way. And I think we should do something normal today."

Ciel grins, relieved, and lays back. "Sebastian, you know, I've just realized that you barely know who I am, aside from your darling little pet." Sebastian ruminates on how true this is, how much this saddens him.

"You're right. We must remedy this." He sits up, eyes sparkling. "Ciel, how about a picnic? I can pack us a lunch and we can go to the park. Just sit in the sun and talk for a while."

Ciel gets up and goes to brush his teeth. His every movement is stronger, more adult, more confident. "Great idea. I'll finish getting ready in a few," he calls as he swipes salve over his lips and pulls on a pair of jeans.

Sebastian walks into the kitchen and puts together a couple of bacon sandwiches, along with a thermos of lemonade and potato salad. Picnic stuff. He finds an old-fashioned wicker basket and a blanket printed with cartoon kittens and loads up his hybrid sports car with everything just as Ciel comes out, wearing a plain grey t-shirt and jeans and looking so deliciously, delectably,  _normal_  that Sebastian actually whistles. "Nice outfit."

Ciel grins and punches him in the arm, taking his words for sarcasm. "Shut up. I promise, if you show me a good time today, I'll let you fuck me tonight."

Sebastian links his fingers with the boy's, the feeling so natural that he can't believe it's still an infant sensation for both of them. "Okay, Ciel. So. Start from the beginning."

They get into the car and start to drive to the park. Ciel shrugs and lets the words pour out. "Well. My name's Ciel Vincent Phantomhive, you already know that. I'm getting my degree in business, you already know that. Um...I was born to some awesome parents, but they died in an accident when I was younger. I was taken care of by my sort-of-grandfather, an old family friend. Life was pretty good with him. I was in high school when I started to explore my sexuality--I knew I was gay, but it just didn't feel like enough. I wanted more than just a regular relationship. But don't get me wrong," he adds quickly. "I need days like this. Sometimes, a regular relationship  _is_ what I want."

They park and start walking to a grassy hill, Sebastian carrying the basket and blanket. "I went out a few times with my best friend's brother, and it didn't do a whole lot. He was nice, but really traditional. Once I lived on my own, when I was eighteen, I started checking out the club scene, going home with a lot of different doms." Sebastian spreads out the blanket and sets out the sandwiches, taking Ciel's hand in his own again. "It was nice. It was fun to be someone's fantasy for a night. Um, I started volunteering as an assistant at the elementary school a little while ago."

He laughs and shakes his head. "Those kids are a handful, let me tell you. Some of them are really sweet, though."

Sebastian is surprised to find he's paying attention, hanging on to Ciel's every word. He's more surprised every minute he spends with Ciel, it seems.

"And then I met you." Ciel grins. "There's my story." Sebastian squeezes his hand.

"I'm so glad I know more about you, Ciel. Really." He pops a sandwich into his mouth and lays back, taking Ciel with him, half-cuddling the boy and halfway just laying peacefully, watching the patterns the sun makes in the sky.

An hour or two slips away, the lemonade drains from the thermos, and Ciel's eyelids are growing heavy with relaxation.

"Home," Sebastian says decisively. "We can nap and then go out to dinner somewhere."

He drives them both back, the car filled with the kind of contented silence that doesn't want to break. Ciel slips out of his jeans and lays under the covers, yawning as Sebastian pecks his forehead. "I'll write for a little bit," he says, reveling in the normality of it all. How incredible and fragile all this is. "And I'll be right here when you wake up."

Ciel smiles sleepily, a little bit of his other self showing through. "Promise?"

"Promise," Sebastian whispers, and can't help but hold Ciel for just a minute until he's sure the boy is truly asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is written mostly in letter format--correspondence from ciel to sebastian or vice versa.
> 
> ciel is a butthole-obsessed child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! thanks so much for all the support i've continued to receive. keep those comments, kudos, and bookmarks coming!

Ciel's gone for today. He had a workshop to attend on special-needs children, and Sebastian's never felt more alone.

He traces the sharp edges of the letter in his hand, that Ciel left on his nightstand, sealed with a kiss and instructions not to read until he was gone.

"I wrote this a while ago," he said last night as he was brushing his teeth. "Well, not a while. Two days. But I can't say it out loud, I'm much better at writing."

Sebastian took it in stride at the time, flipping through channels until he settled on the Food Network (one of the few things they both agreed to watch). "Of course, baby. I won't read it until you're gone." He extended his pinkie, because that was Ciel's preferred way of sealing pacts, and touched the pads of their fingers together.

Now he's sitting on his bed, hair unbrushed and sheets rumpled, turning the folded paper over and over in his hands. He takes a deep breath and opens the sheet. It's written in sparkly blue gel pen, in small, messy writing.

 

_Dearest, darling Sebastian, Sir, Master, Daddy, love,_

_I still don't know what to call you, can you believe that? I guess I'm not so much better at writing than I am at speaking._

_I want to tell you how you make me feel, and I can't just express that with words. I express it pretty well when you're fucking me, I think. Even better when you kiss me on the mouth. Or cuddle me. I like the cuddles a lot. You make me feel like I'm mapping the earth for the first time. Or something even more entirely new._

_See, I can't say dumb stuff like that out loud. Neither can you! You can say how tight my butthole is, but you can't say how I make your heart feel. I'm not complaining. I like the dirty talk. That's what I'm bad at, because I say stuff like "butthole"._

_Moving off the subject of buttholes, mine in particular. You kiss me on the mouth, and it feels like I'm burning up all over. In a good way. You don't even have to kiss me, you'll just be doing something normal like writing on your laptop or making an omelet, and you'll look at me with those stupid, dumb eyes of yours, and I feel really, really happy. I like when we're normal like that._

_But I also like when I'm your little boy, or your kitten. Daddy, it really makes me happy when you tell me how good I am. I need that. I was a really pretentious, over-mature kid, and I was much too serious for my age. You give me what I want without my even having to ask when you take me over your knee and spank me. It makes me feel free. Not just when I'm little, either. When you're just dominant, and I'm just submissive, it makes me so happy. I feel all goopy inside now._

_You're my Sebastian, and I'm your Ciel, and that's all I really need._

_Love, and love, and love, and love again,_

_Ciel, your best buddy and treasured kitten._

_P.S: I ate the last of the artichoke dip before I left as a midnight snack._

_P.P.S: My butthole is ready for you when I get back._

 

Sebastian goes to a conference with his editor, who lives across the country, the following week. He's only gone for a day and a night, and Ciel is feeling very lonely indeed. He goes to get the body pillow out of the bedroom closet so he can have something to cuddle, but is surprised to find that it's already on the bed, along with a letter addressed to him. He picks up the paper, which is pristine and covered with tidy, fancy-looking black letters he just knows came from Sebastian's special-order raven-feather quill.

 

_My sweet little Ciel, my kitten, my darling, cherished baby boy,_

_Like you, I have an obscene amount of difficulty verbalizing what I truly feel. I hope this letter alleviates any worry that may be plaguing you, and responds to your own lovely sentiments you left me in your last correspondence._

_You are my sun, moon, and stars. You illuminate my days and nights, you are constant and unfailing, you are true and loyal and just. You are also, by turns, intoxicating, whimsical, bratty, sweet, sentimental, grumpy, desirable, seductive, and wistful. You are a paradox, my Ciel. You are invariable in the way that a fire is--you are always changing, but the sum of your parts is continuous._

_When you're pressed against me at night, wrapped in my arms and sound asleep, I feel whole. There's no other way to say it. You complete me, darling, more than anyone else ever has. No one has ever been able to match me before, and then you came along._

_Having this relationship with you is addicting, truly. I simply can't get enough of you. Seeing you striped with lashes or painted with my release is the closest thing to heaven I've ever felt, save for your lips against mine, your chest pressed against me as I hold you in my arms._

_You are mine, and I am yours, and nothing else before us matters. I have you now._

_With unending love,_

_Sebastian Michaelis._

_P.S: That last bit of butternut squash soup is mine, sweetheart. Don't even think about it._

_P.P.S: Don't forget to bundle up. Tonight is supposed to be cold, and I don't want you getting a chill. I'm not there for you to contaminate with your germs, but I certainly don't want any when I get back._

_P.P.P.S: That was a joke, darling. Germ me up all you like._

_P.P.P.P.S: I love you. (This is too many postscripts.)_

 

Sebastian picks up his small suitcase from baggage claim, looking around, and suddenly Ciel is filling his field of vision, hugging him and kissing all over his face, fingers twisting in his hair. "Sebastian," the boy breathes, noses pressed right up against each other. He's standing on tiptoe, and Sebastian is bending down, but all works so perfectly Sebastian thinks he could be happy never moving again, staying right here in this grimy airport, as long as he had Ciel.

"Sebastian," he says again, and Sebastian kisses his nose in response. He likes being affectionate. "Yes, love?"

"You should write more often." Ciel grins, and it says everything even his letter didn't.

Sebastian grins back. He loves Ciel even more (if that's even possible) now that he knows a little more of what's in that infernally lovely mind. "As should you."

 

A note is waiting on the bed when he gets back, which Ciel presses into his hand. He unfolds the slightly crumpled paper. It's a piece of his own letter. The last sentence, and Ciel is expressing all this to him, he feels the same way, and Sebastian's heart is beating fast.

_With unending love,_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst because i love you guys and i know you're just as masochistic as ciel here
> 
> this chapter contains a trigger warning for drug use! please don't read if this makes you uncomfortable.

Sebastian's high, to start.

He doesn't get sloppy or messy or confused when he takes his pills, he just gets what Ciel likes to call "demony". It's fun, usually, which is probably why he hasn't tried to stop Sebastian's use, which is pretty infrequent, but more than Ciel would like. Maybe two or three times a month, he'll get that magical baggie of white pills from the kitchen cabinet and take two after a particularly stressful day. Ciel doesn't know what's in the pills. He's not sure he wants to.

Sebastian swallows them with whiskey poured into a paper cup, and a few moments later, he's on Ciel, kissing him like some starved beast and rubbing at him all over and forcing Ciel to his knees. It's good, rough play, and it turns him on the first few times. He really is submissive at heart.

But he just uses Ciel. He uses him, and uses him, and uses him, treats Ciel like a glorified fleshlight when he's like this. And when Sebastian's normal, that's the last thing he does. He always makes sure Ciel has an orgasm (or two, or three). And he's been so careful recently, checking on him every step of the way when they do bondage, being patient but firm if Ciel breaks a rule during a scene. It seems like a huge step back whenever Sebastian swallows those pills, and Ciel isn't sure he wants this to keep happening.

So this time, when Sebastian comes to him, Ciel turns his head away and crosses his arms. "Nutmeg," he says quietly. "I don't want to. Not when you're like this."

Sebastian is normally a very rational person, but when the pills are singing their merry little song through his bloodstream, he's not rational in the slightest. He grabs Ciel's arm a bit more insistently. "Come on. Daddy loves you, you know that, and it'll feel so good, please, just let me whip you with that new flogger."

"No," Ciel says, quite bitingly. "I  _said_ I don't want to. Maybe when you're not high. I get that you need to relax sometime, Sebastian, but these don't make you relax. They turn you into an animal."

Sebastian starts to push him down, and Ciel can't just  _stop_ him, he's much too little and Sebastian's too big, but he doesn't want this, so he glares up at Sebastian from his position on his knees. "I'm leaving until you come down." He scoots away, surprisingly cute in his ferocity, and grabs his jacket.

Sebastian's eyes are practically glowing, so intense they are. "Get going. The minute you walk out that door, I'll find someone to take your place."

In all the time's Sebastian's been high, he's never said anything like that, and Ciel reels. "What?" he whispers. "Sebastian, no, what are you saying? I'm  _yours_. You can't just find someone else." He feels like he's bleeding from the inside out. They say drugs are supposed to make you say what you really feel, what's already on your mind. He can't believe, refuses to believe that Sebastian can replace him that easily.

Sebastian's already mid-text to one of his booty calls. "I sure as hell can. You're cute, Ciel, but if you won't cooperate, you're just not what I'm looking for."

Ciel wheels around, crying. "How  _dare_ you say that. You bastard. I've fucking lived with you for two and a half months now. I sleep with you every night, I eat the pancakes you make, I suck you off and let you fuck me and I love you with all my heart ninety percent of the time. It's times like this when I love you only a little more than I hate you. We work so well together, Sebastian, except when you're like this."

Sebastian considers this. The drugs are making his mind red and black and shiny as steel, so he really can't be blamed when he says "Maybe I work better by myself."

Ciel's tears are still on his cheeks, his chest rising and falling. "I..." He stops, licks his lips. "Maybe I should let you work better by yourself, then."

Sebastian shrugs. He doesn't love Ciel right now. He doesn't have the capacity to, he's too focused on how everything is making sense in his own head and the nagging problem of his erection. "Yeah, that's fine." He sits on the couch, writing furiously in longhand, not noticing how Ciel walks out the door without looking back.

 

He wakes up the next morning still on the couch, and everything from last night is totally blank. "Pills," he says aloud. It's the only explanation. He winces. Ciel must be in bed, all torn up from the flogging he probably took--

_Ciel._

Sebastian's on his phone in an instant, dialing the number he's memorized by now and praying to whatever's out there for Ciel to please pick up, please answer, please--

"Hello?" The voice is soft, and clogged with tears, and Sebastian's never hated himself more.

"Baby," he whispers. "It's me. Please, please come back home, please, I love you, I'm sorry--" He's greeted with a small click, and dead air. God. How could he have fucked it up this horribly? Is he just destined to hurt everyone around him?

He shows up at Ciel's little apartment. He's only been here a handful of times. Ciel decided his lavish house was "the place to be" and moved himself right in. He presses the buzzer once, twice, and waits. Ciel opens the door, red-eyed and dressed in one of Sebastian's sweatshirts. It hangs down to his knees and breaks Sebastian's heart. He doesn't invite Sebastian in, just leans against the doorframe and wipes his eyes.

"We broke up," he said stiffly. "I didn't invite you here. You're probably still high, I think you should leave."

Sebastian rubs his temples. "No. No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. The drugs, they fucking suck, they were making me treat you like that. I didn't mean anything I said."

"You still said it," Ciel says curtly, slim fingers hovering over the doorknob. "And I think you're right. We don't really work for each other. At least, not when you're on those fucking pills."

"I'll stop," he says immediately, desperately. "I'll stop them. Done. You're all I need, Ciel, all I want. I'm begging you. Please give me a second chance."

Ciel is so close to giving in, to throw himself into Sebastian's arms and cry on his shoulder, but inside, he's not as soft as he seems, as he acts. He's pure steel. And he knows he could work this out with Sebastian if he tried, but he doesn't want to. So he takes a step forward and closes the door halfway. "The thing is, I have. From the first time you took those. I'm sick of it. No more second chances, Sebastian. I love you, but we're done. That's it."

"No," he says, voice breaking. "No, Ciel, please, let me talk--"

The door slams in his face, and Sebastian Michaelis bites back the words hovering on his tongue, an ocean of regret spilling from his eyes in one tear.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaa i haven't updated in so long! please accept this chapter as my way of apologizing <3

"I was stressed out," Sebastian says by way of explanation. He's showed up at Ciel's door again, after two long, lonely weeks. He figured Ciel needed some time to himself, but secretly, a tiny part of him hoped his baby missed him.

Oh, was he ever right. The past two weeks, Ciel had done nothing but shovel in ice cream like some chick-flick cliché, and cry, and rant on the internet about how he hated people who couldn't keep their word. Terrible liars, every one. At night, he slept curled like a vine around a pillow; all he wore was Sebastian's clothes.

He missed Sebastian, and he hated it with every fiber of his being.

"Really, really, stressed," Sebastian says, as if  _that's_ a good enough explanation. He reaches into his shoulder bag and there's a sheaf of papers. He's surprised Ciel hasn't slammed the door in his face yet, actually. Maybe this'll actually work.

Ciel takes the neatly-stapled packet and skims over the header, eyes widening.

_Lifestyle Contract between Sebastian Michaelis and Ciel Vincent Phantomhive_ , the title reads in big bold letters. Ciel manages a weak smile in spite of himself; of course Sebastian would want to fix things the logical way. Not everything has an easy fix, but that's something the big dumb jerk can't seem to understand. "That's not an excuse. Stress isn't an excuse."

He skims the first few pages of the contract, and a few phrases pop out at him:  _no illicit drug or excessive alcohol use without mutual consent of both parties...any instance of non-consensual sex on behalf of either party and the contract shall be terminated...see "Love Clause"._

"You put a love clause in here?" Ciel murmurs in disbelief, turning to the indicated page. Sebastian flashes him with a grin, the one that melted his heart in the first place.

"Yeah, I kind of put a lot of unconventional stuff in there," Sebastian says. He sounds tired, and his voice lacks luster. "I looked for a standard BDSM lifestyle contract, and...I modified it a little bit. To suit us. Because we aren't really traditional, Ciel. Even when we're being as untraditional as you can get, with whips and cuffs and shit, it's still not conventional. We need to have something that...that makes things clear. That works for us. Don't you think?"

Ciel keeps reading, nodding slowly, shifting from foot to foot. "Yeah. I like the part about no drugs, especially."

He's being snippy and he knows it, but  _good God_ , does Sebastian deserve it. Ripped his heart right out of his chest and smashed it on the ground.

Sebastian chooses to ignore him and instead points to the thirteenth page. "The love clause is here. You should look through it."

Ciel glares, because nobody tells Ciel Phantomhive what to do when he's not in subspace, and flips to page thirteen anyway. "I wrote all this myself," Sebastian supplies helpfully. Ciel begins to read.

 

_To be agreed upon mutually, between both parties Ciel Phantomhive and Sebastian Michaelis:_

_I promise to be gentle with you and your heart. I promise to be soft, and open, and never push you away._

_I promise you full access to my own heart, and promise to trust you to be gentle with mine._

_I promise never to lie._

_I promise to learn. To listen to you when you speak, and to respect your wishes._

_I promise to push you. To be your best, most lovely self, and never to hold you back._

_I promise that I will fulfill myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I will not let myself deteriorate. And if I can't stop myself, I promise to let you help me._

_I promise to let my emotions show. I promise never to hide my true feelings, especially if you hurt me. I promise I will trust you to do the same in return._

_I promise to let you grow, and never to clip your wings. To let you explore yourself, myself, and the lovely world we inhabit._

_I promise to come from a place of love in everything I do._

_I promise to love and accept every side of you and all of your emotions, moods, insecurities, and difficulties._

_I promise to support you in anything that makes you happy, and does not harm you._

_I promise to continually put effort into this beautiful new thing we call us._

_I promise to always be open about the physical, no matter how difficult it may be._

_I promise to always look for how you might be hurting--even when it's hard for me to see._

_I promise to use my safe words, that don't only apply in the bedroom._

_I promise to always cherish our relationship and celebrate it._

_I promise to always make you feel as safe, comfortable, and seen as possible._

_And above all else, I promise to love you._

 

Ciel is furiously wiping his eyes by the end, pretending like nothing is wrong.

"I paid the price for you," Sebastian says. His voice is thick too, and his hair shadows his eyes. "If we form this contract...I will have crossed the river. There is no going back to my old life after this. I  _cannot_ lose you again, Ciel, not like I just did. I was a fool to do what I've done. I am willing to close the doors to any other future I can see--any one that doesn't have you in it. Are you willing to do the same?"

And Ciel has to think. He wants to believe that Sebastian will staunchly uphold this contract with his life, and that everything he will do will be for Ciel's honor, Ciel's glory, Ciel's sake. He wants to believe that Sebastian is a knight in shining armor, come to save him.

But Sebastian isn't that. He doesn't shine. He's simply a man, a broken and flawed man, and Ciel only wants to make it through tonight with Sebastian by his side, even if the sun may rise without him.

"I can trust you?" he says lowly. "Not to break this contract?"

Sebastian whips out a pen and scrawls his name across the signature space on the last page, then hopefully looks to Ciel. "You can trust me," he breathes. "I want you so much, Ciel. I'm in love with you. I love you. You can trust me never to-to hurt you again."

Ciel's face belies his inner concerns, and Sebastian quickly reasserts himself. "Of course, I am only human. I can't truly promise that we will be perfect. That I will. I can only promise my best."

He smiles pleadingly, so sweet and heart-rending. Ciel stands there for a moment, in his Sebastian sweatshirt and boxers, debating whether to slam the door in his face and walk away.

He thinks about how lonely he is. How Sebastian is the only sanctuary he knows.

How even his river, so choked and weary, winds somewhere safe to Sebastian's sea.

He picks up the pen, and signs his name, ink flowing like a river finally come to rest.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 100+ comments, 30+ bookmarks, 300+ kudos, and 5000+ hits? sounds like a celebration chapter is in order!
> 
> also, you might notice some slight editing in previous chapters. don't worry--it's just my way of making sure everything is exactly how i want it written.
> 
> enjoy this nice smutty extra-long chapter!

It was that moment when Ciel Phantomhive realized he was having an orgasm.

Actually, it wasn't an orgasm. He was fully clothed, and sitting at the kitchen table. But it was a moment of pure bliss nonetheless.

"Oh my  _god,_ " he moaned, swallowing his forkful. "I didn't know you could cook like that, Sir!"

It's Friday night, Ciel's officially moved back in to Sebastian's house, and he's one hundred percent in subspace. 

He's also attacking his bowl of homemade bean stew with gusto as Sebastian watches lazily, occasionally reaching out to stroke his hair or pat his cheek. "I did culinary arts in high school, kitten. Paid off pretty well, especially considering I've lived by myself for so long."

Ciel doesn't hear a word he says, too busy shoveling the delicious concoction. "It's damn delicious."

The swearing earns him a little swat on the shoulder, not enough to hurt, just as a warning. "Curse again like that, little one, and I'll make sure you go to bed with a sore ass and soapy mouth."

Ciel blushes, of course he needs to be kept in line, but it's still embarrassing when he lets himself slip like that. "Yes, Sir. Sorry about that. So you treat me like a little all the time, huh? Even when I just feel like a sub?"

Sebastian considers his partner's question. He didn't even realize what he was doing until Ciel pointed it out. "I suppose I do. It's my responsibility to make sure you behave yourself when you're submitting to me, just like it's your responsibility to make me behave, as well. Only in different ways. Honestly, kitten, I think of you as something I have to protect all the time--not just when you're submitting. Make sense?"

Ciel nods happily, trying to speak around the forkful or three of stew he currently has in his mouth. "Mmm." He swallows and blows Sebastian a kiss. "I like you protecting me."

Sebastian smiles and watches Ciel eat, make a mess of his bread roll, get another bowl of stew, but his mind is on other activities. "Eat as much as you want, of course, but come find me in the dungeon when you're all done, kitten. Take your time, I need to set some things up."

Ciel feels his cock twitch ever so slightly--just the hint of what might happen is enough to make him think naughty things that lead him to blush and curse his predilection for tight-fitting pants. "Yes, Sir."

Sebastian hums on his way down to the basement, looking at all the materials he's set up throughout the day. X-frame, check. Soft silk scarves and leather gag, check. Toy chest, check. Outfits, check. Everything's in place, and he's so excited for what will happen in just a few minutes.

He wants to treat Ciel with all the grace and respect he deserves, and he wants to do so in a way that will push his sensory limits. He wants to crack Ciel open and knit him back together. He wants to extract every ounce of pleasure he can from Ciel's body. And he wants Ciel to choose how he will do so.

He certainly wants Ciel to enjoy it, of course, so he's letting his dear little kitten pick what they'll do. If Ciel wants to role-play as a naughty schoolboy, he'll have him over a knee before he can blink. If he wants to play with heat or cold or any other sensation, Sebastian will be right there to explore how far they can go together.

Sebastian hears small footsteps coming down the stairs, and he quickly meets Ciel at the foot of the staircase. "I have everything all set up, little one. Anything in particular you want to try?"

Ciel bites his lip as he thinks, slipping his hand into Sebastian's. "I just want to serve you," he says finally, because it's true. All he wants in that moment is to please Sebastian and make him happy.

Sebastian laughs and wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him close. "Good answer," he says lightly, kissing Ciel's forehead. "But your Dom is giving you an order. Tell me what you want to happen this evening."

Ciel's gaze lands on the bed as they walk in. It's a nice bed, he thinks. He definitely wants to do _something_ on that bed, with its luxurious red sheets and silk pillowcases. But he also wants to do _something_ up against the wall.  _Something_ could be done just about any place in here, that's how erotic the whole dungeon is. "I really want to be tied up and fucked," he admits. "But I want to do some edge play, too. How about you blindfold me and use candle wax, Sir, and then use the scarves and gag and fuck me nice and hard?"

Sebastian lets out a long, slow breath. "That sounds perfect. Would you like to change first, pet? I know you love your outfits, and I love seeing them on you."

Ciel gives his cheek a peck before going to the outfit chest and picking out a few garments, purposely hiding them from Sebastian's sight. He skips off to the attached room, and Sebastian hears fabric rustling as he prepares the bucket of ice, bucket of water, lays fireproof blankets on the bed, and lights the candles. He's been doing a lot of research on things like this. On how to be safe.

The candles are just starting to melt when Ciel comes in, ravishing in cherry-red lace panties and matching stockings. Sebastian does indeed love seeing the outfits on Ciel, and it makes him happy when Ciel feels pretty, something the outfits can definitely achieve.

His voice is a low purr when he speaks. "You look wonderful, kitten. Come lie here and we'll start."

Ciel obediently comes forward and lets Sebastian tie a black strip of cloth around his eyes before lying facedown on the blankets. "Green," he says, voice small and breathless already. Sebastian could see how hard he was in those revealing panties.

"Good boy," he praises, lifting one candle. Part of the fun is never knowing where the wax is going to land, or when, so Sebastian tilts the candle without any warning, splattering Ciel's back with a few drops of white wax that hardens almost immediately. Ciel lets out a little gasp that goes straight to Sebastian's cock. He loves that sound. He wants to make Ciel make more of those sounds.

So he lowers the candle a little, so the wax will be hotter when it lands, and tilts it so that a stream runs down Ciel's spine. Ciel's breath hitches and he moans, pools of heat swirling on his back. It's all so  _good_ , especially when Sebastian lets a stream pool in the small of Ciel's back. It's so good that he can't contain his noises and he starts to whimper, prompting Sebastian to stop.

"Do we need to take a break, kitten?" His voice is quiet and authoritative and dominant, and Ciel can't get enough.

"No, no Sir, not at all. It feels amazing," he whispers, his own voice just a little shaky from pleasure.

"Good," Sebastian says lowly. "I'm trusting you to tell me if it's too much."

"Of course," Ciel breathes, shivering slightly. The shivers stop when Sebastian lets more wax paint Ciel's back and then uses his fingers to spread it around, intensifying the sensation, making Ciel lose his mind in the rivers of heated pleasure. After several minutes of this, when the wax fully hardens, Sebastian's gentle fingers card through his hair. 

"That's enough for now," he says gently. "Let's take all this off and then see how you feel."

Ciel knows how he feels--he's so incredibly excited for what comes next--but it's very nice of Sebastian to peel the wax off and cover his back with baby oil. "Good boy," he coos next to Ciel's ear. "You did amazingly well, I am so very proud. Ready for more?"

Ciel bites his lip and rolls over, the blackness over his eyes comforting. He knows that even if he can't see, Sebastian is there to protect him. And he's so much more sensitive without his sight, anyways. "Always, Sir. I'm so ready...I want you to take me good and hard, okay?"

Sebastian removes his panties and starts winding a silken scarf around his wrists in a complicated pattern, finishing the knot as he kisses Ciel's plush pink lips. "Of course," he purrs, grabbing the lube and slicking three of his fingers.

The first probes cautiously at Ciel's entrance, spreading the slickness around before entering him gently. Ciel is still very small and very tight, so Sebastian takes his time with the second and third.

He's been concentrating so hard on stretching Ciel that he doesn't notice Ciel is moaning lewdly, his cock is drooling, and his fingers are rutting right up against Ciel's prostate. "Sir," Ciel says breathlessly, "I'm going to come, oh please--"

Sebastian removes his fingers just in time, confident that Ciel is stretched enough. And certainly in the mood. He is too, after feeling that tight, hot little hole clench around his fingers, take him in greedily. His pants feel tight, and he's hot all over.

Sebastian doesn't undress all the way, just enough to free his cock, and he enters Ciel with one firm thrust. He knows it's not too hard, because Ciel's hole opens invitingly and he only feels slick heat, not any tears, but he waits for Ciel to adjust nonetheless.

"Just like that, Sir," Ciel groans. "As hard as you can, please, I promise I can handle it."

Sebastian closes his eyes and withdraws a bit, only to slam into Ciel again. Ciel practically howls, the head of Sebastian's cock nudging right up against his sweet spot, and he keeps moaning breathlessly as Sebastian keeps fucking him. "You don't come until I tell you to," he growls, Ciel's tightness already making him want to explode. "Not a minute before, kitten. You're practicing your restraint, you did so well with the wax, don't disappoint me now."

It's a heady feeling, having that power over Ciel, and a bit of a rush. Sebastian plows into him over and over, keeping an eye on the pitch of Ciel's moans, the frequency of his pleading. He starts trembling and begging very quickly, and tightening up, and Sebastian smiles. He knows it's been an effort for Ciel to restrain himself all this time, and he wants to reward his perfect pet.

"You can come now, kitten," he tells Ciel, and that's all it takes to send him over the edge. He bites his lip in his moment of bliss, stifling his cries, and the sudden tightness, the beauty of Ciel's face in rapture, all of it is enough to make Sebastian come, too.

He takes a moment to compose himself before withdrawing from Ciel entirely, admiring the whiteness dripping out of him. He cleans up Ciel with gentle swipes of a warm washcloth, makes sure he's intact in all places, and finally removes his blindfold.

Ciel licks his lips, looking up at Sebastian with pure adoration.

"Amazing," Sebastian says quietly. "I'm so very proud of you, darling. You want your wrists free or still tied?"

"Tied for now," Ciel says shyly, moving them from above his head to in front of his body. "Makes me feel safe. Thank you so much, Sebastian. That was perfect."

"It was," Sebastian agrees, kissing his lips quickly. "You were perfect, too. Was I okay? Did I go too far on anything?"

Ciel shakes his head emphatically. "I never thought yellow for a moment, everything was great. Hold me? I'm sleepy."

"Of course, baby," Sebastian murmurs, picking Ciel up princess-style. "Let's get you into bed first, wouldn't you rather sleep upstairs?"

He unties Ciel when they reach the bedroom, and slides off his stockings reverently, dressing him in loose boxers and a thin, soft undershirt. Ciel curls right up to him when Sebastian slips under the covers, dressed similarly, and the warmth and pride in his chest threatens to overflow. 

"Love you so much," he breathes, kissing Ciel's temple. Everything is so soft and warm, and sleep sounds incredible. It drags him under quickly, but not before he hears Ciel's whispered "I love you" in response. It sounds wonderful. It sounds like home.


End file.
